Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tears for Fears.......

Well on one hand “tears for fears” were an 80’s band and on the other hand “tears for fears”was was how I ended up after a simple trip to a I thought the link as I head into and through the 80’s was apt.... OK so I’ll get better as we go along.
Anyway my journey had a bit of a hiccup yesterday...not as some may be thinking with food, exercise or commitment but with my emotions.
I thought as I was feeling kind of good about my changes and would like to capture this feeling, it may be nice to have some photo’s done (maybe even something special for hubby for Christmas). I know a lot of you are having these done and I thought why not me too...I loved having hair and makeup done for the celebration parties.
I do not have a lot of photos of me really...and when I look back at the family holidays its almost like I was not there. I know why too, cause to actually see myself in print was literally too distressing. It made me focus on what I did not like about the way I looked and felt. If I was in a photo I used to ask to only be shot from the top half..Trying to avoid the gianormous breasts, and the stomach which was almost in line with those breasts!
SO I’ve looked at the shots they do and the young girl is asking what sort of photo’s I might like to take and I know kind of what I would like, I am staring out the window... trying to gather the words, I start to say that I would like to look pretty, and sexy and not show my cellulite, and rolls and then I find myself explaining to this poor girl how I have been fat and ugly for so long that I am not sure I should do this... and then the “tears for fears” start, and I am trying to pull it all together and I realise I have not really been honest with myself about how much this weight and “body image self loathing” really had a hold on me. I realised I still have a quite a way to go so..what did I do
I have agreed I will go ahead with the photo’s but have pushed the date out a little, like some miracle is going to suddenly make me “gorgeous and photogenic”.
For me this will be a challenge where I will totally be out of my comfort zone ... but just like bootcamp there will be no “tears for fears”(I am hoping) and the outcome just like bootcamp will be an exhilarating feeling.
This was really another great ”lightbulb” moment where I realise I still have a way to go... but I also know I will make it as I have the support of a great team!
BTW....exercise and food going great!! Doing my Fitness test today

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